Plagas No More
by Master Havoc
Summary: What if there had never been Las Plagas and instead a zombie outbreak occured nearby? Leon and ensemble must find the source and destroy it! Crude Humor, Violence, and Language.
1. Mission

Plagas no more

Chapter 1: Mission

Leon was sitting in the backseat of the jeep, waiting to arrive near the village. Wearing his trademark leather jacket that Claire got for him, he felt protected. Especially because it was bullet and pierce proof. Claire had seen to that part of the manufacture personally. The driver and passenger of the jeep were part of the Spanish Police Force of this district that had to help him with whatever he needed. There was nothing that said that they had to be nice, though. Leon had finished bickering with them two hours ago, and he was glad for it. It would have been a LOOOOOONG drive had they been fighting. Out of boredom, he looked at himself, so the writer could talk about what he looked like. His jumpsuit-like pants felt a bit too tight sometimes, especially when sitting down. At least they had given him a zipper... That would make things a bit easier. While he was sitting, he felt a bit cold, so he put on his fingerless gloves. They had an extra layer of leather, for extra protection, in case of close combat. He ran his fingers through his medium length gray hair and pondered.

(Inner monologue of Leon)

(Well, this is just fan-frickin'-tastic. I train hard, destroy a zombie threat, fight on a boat, AND had to go back for even MORE training, JUST so I can protect a stupid ditz who goes and gets lost on her way home from school. Sure, she's been missing for weeks and she's been sighted in the remote parts of Spain, but she shouldn't have been walking on the same path home every day! She could have climbed through the trees or something! Damn civilians...

The Spaniards in the front are chatting about something or another. I just knew I should have learned Spanish when I did. French is more fun, though, with all the sexy girls taking it as well. Cest la Vi say-la-vee. I'm feeling a disturbance in the Force-wait, the WHAT? Did I just think that? Must have been the drinks on the plane ride over. What was I thinking? Oh yeah. There's a dark feeling I have, just creepy. Something must have gone wrong, I KNOW that this isn't going to be a run in, get her, run out mission. There's always something more. But this doesn't feel like a "there are terrorists with more guns than me waiting to kill anyone who tries to save her" situation. It's more like deja vu, but I don't know why. It seems similar to the feelings I got while entering Racoon City for the first time. During the Incident... My God, what terrible memories I have about that. I still get nightmares, but they're soon replaced by visions of Claire. I try to cover the memories of Ada with those of Claire and Sherry, shortly after the incident. Claire and I cared for Sherry, so we became her legal guardians, even if we weren't married...yet. I was so happy when Claire and I married, but we were seperated after 6 and a half years, as I had to ship off for more training. But Claire, then, went off to find her brother, who was lost beyond comprehension and neck deep in trouble. Sherry, now 18, decided that she would handle any and everything about the house while we were out. That was 6 months ago.)

Leon sighed (This is going to be difficult, I'm sure. I'm glad they gave me an attache case for this. I hate those annoying hip packs. This case has so much more room than those! I could fit 2 shotguns in here and have some extra room for ammo. Well, I guess I wouldn't NEED 2 shotguns, but I could still fit them in there. Let's see what's in here...)

Leon opened his attache case counting off the items, and rearranging them carefully so they won't shake around. Inside the case was a 9mm Handgun, 30 9mm bullets, and a First Aid Spray, for even the worst of wounds, surprisingly. It just magically healed anything that was damaged, as long as it was organic.

Leon: "A friggin' PISTOL!? That's all!?" Leon shouted.

Passenger: "Yow! Shut UP back there!" the Passenger Officer shouted back. Then, to the driver. "I have to pee, pull over."

Leon shifted uncomfortably in his seat; he was still squeamish when somebody mentioned a bodily function. He gazed out the window for a little while and eventually fell asleep. Leon had a dream as he slept. He dreamt of what all the people involved would be like in Hell. He imagined William Birkin and his wife reuniting. Suddenly, Leon had a thought while dreaming: What form would William take while in Hell? He sat there, twitching and dreaming until he couldn't take it anymore and switched over to the Easter Bunny. (Leon's thoughts: What in the Hell kind of rabbit hops around putting eggs full of candy in people's yards and houses? It may be infected by the G-Virus or something...)

Driver: "Get up, American pig. We're here. Don't worry about us, we're going to, ah...guard the car. Carjackers run rampant in remote villages, gotta watch out for them."

Leon, exhausted, left the car with his attache case safely hidden where no human would dare look. Leon stepped forward drowsily, not looking where he was going. _Squish._ Leon looked down...

Leon: "Dog shit. Just great." Leon scraped it on the car

Driver: "HEY! What are you doing to my baby? Get the hell outta here, pendejo!

Leon chuckled to himself and walked on, past some crows. He approached a house nearby. The house was a little ratty, but he could tell that there was a fire going because there was smoke billowing out of the chiminy. He didn't know why, but he had another cold, dark feeling. As he stepped in the house, he could hear a fire and someone muttering to himself. He stepped around the corner. The man turned to look at him. The man was around 45 and almost bald, but he had a certain charm to him. He put on a smile and said something in Spanish. Leon's questioning glance and the man's quick thinking made him realize that Leon was American.

Man: "Hola, americano, what are you doing in this part of country? Please use simple English, I do not know many."

Leon: "Hello, I'm actually looking for a girl, her name's Ashley, have you seen her?" He presents the picture of the President's daughter to the man.

Man: "No, no, I no can say I have seen her, senor. By the way, mi llamo Horacio." A surprised look came across his face." "I believe your friends are in trouble!"

Leon could hear the Spanish cops yelling at someone, but from the tone of their voice he could tell that they were scared. Leon rushed to the window. He saw that the officers had been attacked! The attackers were dressed in ratty clothing and limping towards the cops, now out of the car. Leon watched as the officers blew bullet after bullet into the beasts. The violent men were hardly even slowed by them. Leon started getting a crawling feeling in his throat. He remembered something like this...somehow, somewhere. Then, he saw the things fall upon the cops. The attackers were bludgeoned by the the driver's nightstick but they continued to bite him. Eventually, the screams died down. The attackers were feasting on the corpses of the drivers.

Leon: "Oh no..." Leon started shaking. The memories rushed back to him, gripping him, terrorizing him. Racoon City, 1998. He could feel sweat coating his forehead and he couldn't stop shaking. Zombies. He thought the T-Virus had been subdued. He thought Umbrella's experiments were finished. As he watched them, he slowly clicked into zombie-mode. Leon took out his handgun and jogged outside while Horacio stayed inside. He got within 10 meters of them and they turned around, seeing fresher meat. When they stumbled toward him, Leon could feel a certain urge to run, but supressed it. He raised his weapon and fired a bullet into the first zombie's head. It his him on the right side of his forehead, and it slumped over on the ground, quivering. He took aim at the next one and hit it in it's left eye. The third zombie lunged toward him. Leon acted reflexively from his training; he gripped its arm, broke its wrist, dropped that hand, and gripped its throat so it couldn't bite him. It grabbed his shoulder with its useful arm and tried to pull him towards its mouth. Leon resisted and slowly put his gun into the zombie's mouth. It started the zombie's patented moan. Leon almost loosened his grip. Almost. Instead, he pivoted the gun so it would aim up. _BANG! _When he shot, its head popped open on top and spewed everywhere. Leon's head and shoulders were speckled in blood, bone matter, and brain juice. Horacio ran up as Leon stood above the mutilated corpses.

Horacio: "What in Hell was that!? Why they attack!?"

Leon: "Zombies; flesh-eating undead monsters with no motive to kill but to eat. They are merciless and don't discriminate with their prey. ANYTHING is food to them. Even humans!"

Horacio: "What are you talking about? Zombie? I thought they were myths! I get my axe. Sharpened it yesterday."

Leon looked around for more, praying that this was a small outbreak. Leon could hear the man open the door, then walk inside. Soon afterword, there was a crash of glass, a yell, and more glass breaking. Leon cringed; he was beginning to like him. He ran inside and ran straight into the wall. When the stars disappeared and Grandpa left, Leon ran around the corner to see the man, holding a broken bottle covered in blood. There was a re-dead zombie hanging halfway out the window.

Horacio: "It broke window, I hit it with bottle, killing it. I'm going to get axe, now."

Leon: "I need to know, do you have a bathroom? El Bano?" Horacio nodded and pointed towards the stairs in back. Leon went back there and saw the door underneath the stairs, on the side. He cleaned himself off of the zombie's brain matter and blood. After washing up, Horacio was packing a sack with food and water.

Horacio: "Don't know when we'll get back." Horacio threw a small box at Leon. "I've had some bullets for a year or so, now; I was going to get gun, but I'm pretty sure it doesn't matter anymore." Leon opened the box and took out the 25 bullets.

Leon: "Muchas gracias, this'll be a big help. Leon counted how many bullets he had. It totaled 52 bullets counting the ones in his current clip. This was going to be a long mission...


	2. Chris and Claire

Plagas no more

Chapter 2: Chris and Claire

Leon and Horacio began their walk to the village, to see if the rest of the villagers were alright. From the smell of things, Leon wasn't so sure if they were. They went into the next shack and found a typewriter.

Leon: "Hallelujah! I've been waiting for one of these. Now I can finally type up my progress!" Horacio looked at him funny while Leon clicked away on the typewriter. He only took a few seconds as he only typed the date and how hard things were for him. At the moment, it was Normal. As they moved on, they heard gunshots. Leon and Horacio rushed ahead to see what was happening. When they got near the village, they saw two people facing away from them; one male with a shotgun, one female with a small assault rifle, looking carefully around. The man was wearing a gray combat suit, a green protective vest, and a hiking backpack. The woman had a brownish-red ponytail and had on a biker's outfit. Leon looked carefully at the girl... she looked so familiar. Leon stepped on a leaf that must have thought that it would be funny to be there, and made a loud _Crunch! _The pair turned and aimed their guns at the Leon and Horacio.

Leon: "Wait! We're human!" They both cringed.

Claire: "Leon!?"

Leon: "Claire!? Where've you been? I haven't heard from you in forever!" Leon ran to embrace Claire.

Chris: "Where in the Hell have you BEEN?" He looked

Claire: "Oh, Leon! I missed you! We brought along Sherry, and she should be coming up here, soon."

A 19 year old girl jogged up towards the group. Leon immediately recognized her, though he hadn't seen her in a half a year.

Sherry: "All clear over..." She turned and saw Leon and Horacio.

Sherry: "Dad! Oh, I mean Leon. Sorry, I had forgotten that you don't want me to call you that."

Leon: "It's ok, you haven't seen me in so long." Sherry ran up and gave him a huge hug. Leon gladly returned the hug.

Claire: "Where HAVE you been?"

Leon: "I was training. If I told you where, I'd have to kill you. I'll just say, that after the training, I was filed for this job, unwillingly, and now I have to protect the President's daughter, who was stupid enough to get kidnapped and taken here.

Claire: "Say, do you think that her kidnapping has anything to do with our mission, Chris?"

Chris: "Knowing Umbrella, I'd think so." Leon flinched when he mentioned the **U Word**.

Leon: "What are you guys doing out here, anyway?"

Chris: "We heard that Umbrella had an underground facility nearby, running through some caverns. We came to try to shut it down, but thank God we were prepared because we were too late to stop an outbreak. We decided to save the village first, so we started going in that direction. Then you showed up."

Leon: "We should start walking to the village if we're going to get there anytime soon. It's 1630 hours, now, and the last sign said that the village was 3 miles away. It should take us just under an hour to get there." So they started walking East, towards the village, with the sun at their back.

Chris: " God, I need a smoke." He took out some cigarettes and lit one.

Horacio: "Hey, toss me one." Chris handed him one after lighting it.

Sherry: "Oh, yeah. Leon, remember when you taught me to fire a gun? I've actually gotten better. Now, I can actually HIT the target!" A brief spout of laughter interrupted the droll autumn landscape. The birds were still chirping as the sun sat, unmoving, in the sky. Suddenly, everything blacked out.

Leon: "What in the F just happened!?"

Chris: "SKY GO DARK!" Chris assumed the fetal position and started rocking back and forth. Claire walked over and tries to console him so he would stop his pitiful crying. Sherry contemplated carefully for a full minute while everyone else was screaming and chattering.

Sherry: "I believe that this is the author's attempt to make us hurry and get to the village, as we're spending WAY too much time talking. The author would probably like us to stop chattering incessantly, too.I think that the author would appreciate us going on to the blood, guts, and boobs later on." Everyone turned towards Sherry and gaped.

Claire: "One question."

Sherry: "Shoot."

Claire: "Author?"

Sherry: "Yup."

Claire: "Ok, then, let's move on, shall we?" Everyone began to walk forward but, Leon stopped suddenly and stared wide eyed at Sherry with a stupid grin.

Leon: "Did I hear that correctly? There are going to be BOOBS!? Who's boobs!?" Claire calmly walked over to Leon, tapped him on the shoulder, but before he could turn, she punches him...Hard. I can't tell you in meters or feet how far he went, but we can say that a rock wouldn't have snapped a tree in half. Leon hits the ground unconcious.

Horacio: "Oh, Jesus Christe, that was nice punch." Horacio ran up to Leon and helped him to his feet. Leon shrugged Horacio off and stumbled along on his own. They continued their journey towards the village, where they could already hear the moaning of the undead.

Leon: "Seeing as it's so dark, everyone take out a flashlight. Remember, if it's not trying to eat you, don't shoot it, there may still be villagers."

Horacio: "But I no have a flashlight."

Leon: "Then stick by Sherry and watch her back. Before you say anything, Sherry, Horacio needs someone fast with a flashlight, and you're quick on your feet, in both body and mind, so you're best with him." Sherry shrugged acceptingly and beckoned him. Horacio followed Sherry closely, but not close enough to provoke her. Eventually, they saw the village, bathed in moonlight, from atop a hill. It was absolutely silent and they couldn't see a figure throughout the whole village. It began to rain, but just a drizzle. Thunder boomed throughout the valley.

Horacio: "I don't see people in village. Maybe they ran..." He looked doubtful.

Leon: "If we seperate into 2 person groups, we can cover more ground faster. Le-"

Claire: "If you're going to say what I think you're going to say, you're going to want to rethink it." Leon shut his mouth quickly.

Chris: "If he won't say it, then I will. LET'S SPLIT UP, GANG!" At the end of the sentence he jumped while raising a fist into the air.

Sherry: "Ruh-roh." She started to laugh, but Claire shut her up.

Claire: "Don't make too much noise, whatever's down there might hear us." The group walked towards the village, a thought of dread percolating through their minds. There was a moan carried on the wind...


	3. Village

Chapter 3: Village

Sherry and Horacio walked towards the largest house in the village. Sherry looked up towards the sky. She could see a gap in the clouds approach the moon. When the gap crossed, she saw the beautiful, full moon shine brightly. Sherry squinted, she couldn't quite be sure, but it looked like somebody on a bicycle just crossed the moon. Sherry shook her head and walked on. Horacio opened the door and gestured Sherry to enter first.

Sherry: "Thank you, sir." Sherry curtsied and walked through the doorway majestically, eyes closed, with a big smile on her face. When she walked through, she turned to the right and opened her eyes._ Graahhuhhhhh._ The zombie lunged towards her. Sherry screamed. _Woff-woff-Shcluck!_ The zombie fell down with an axe in its face. Horacio ran, and retrieved his axe from the zombie's face.

Horacio: "Are you all right?"

Sherry: "Yes, I'm fine, just shaken."

Horacio: "No, not you. My axe." He wiped his axe off against the zombie's vest and caressed it, stroking it and whishpering sweet nothings to it. Sherry stormed to the back the house and shot the zombie back there. She stepped over it and broke open the cabinet. There was a first aid spray inside, which she quickly put within her backpack.

Sherry: "Check upstairs, there might be something up there." Horacio sighed and started upstairs. As he slowly walked up the stairs, Sherry heard Chris' shotgun and Leon's handgun going off. She ran for the nearest window.

Horacio: "GYAAAAAAH!!!" _Clump. Crunch!_ Sherry quickly spun around, gun in hand and saw a zombie atop Horacio. The beast was chewing on his shoulder hungrily. Sherry lept upon the zombie's back and pistol-whipped its head until it didn't move anymore.

Sherry: "GUYS, get over here!" Everyone ran inside and saw Horacio's mangled body.

Leon: "Oh, God. I was beginning to like him."

Horacio: "Um, I'm still alive..."

Chris: "I can still hear his voice, so strong, yet so soft."

Horacio: "One of those Sprays should help me. Just give me one and I'll be better."

Claire: "If only we could have helped him."

Horacio: "Please? I am bleeding badly but I think can survive."

Leon: "Let's move on before he becomes a zombie."

Horacio: "I'm going to be zombie!?" Everyone walked past their poor, diseaced friend and left the house. Sherry couldn't shake the feeling that she had forgotten something. A light bulb appeared over her head, unlit. She stared at hit, and hit it. It turned on. She forgot to check upstairs! As she ran up the stairs she lept over Horacio, God rest his soul.

Horacio: "I'm not quite dead, yet."

Sherry: "Shut up, yes you are." She winked and continued upstairs. The others followed her into the house and questioned her.

Sherry: "I'll be right out, guys, go on and kill stuff. Clean out the village, or something." Chris put on a big smile and unslung his shotgun. Claire could barely keep up with him. Back to Sherry: Sherry ran upstairs and saw a dusty shotgun hanging on the wall. She reached for it...

Chris: "NO, DON'T TOUCH THAT!" He ran upstairs, breathless, and slapped her hand away. Sherry slapped Chris back, but on his face and scolded him.

Sherry: "Don't forget, stupid, Jill had to deal with the shotgun trap, not you."

Chris: "Oh, yeah. Watch out anyway." He left and went about shooting zombies again. Sherry sighed and picked up the shotgun. When she did, the two notches that held it up lifted simultaneously.

Sherry: "Shit..." She looked around and saw a small hole in the wall open. She dodged away and lifted her gun towards it. Inside the cabinet was a small box. Sherry lowered her pistol and walked to the hole. She opened the box and within there was a small ocarina.

Sherry: "Ooo, an ocarina! I love these things!" She picked up the small, blue ocarina and played a tune from a game she used to play. Suddenly, she was surrounded by blue light and was prompted via a small menu whether she wanted to return to the first day or not. She poked the "no" button and everything disappeared. She through the ocarina out the window and heard a satisfying crash. She also heard a satisfying OW from Leon. On the stained, bloody bed, sat a small box of shotgun shells, which she gratefully put into her pack.

Claire: "Come on down, honey, we're leaving the village!" Sherry looked out the window and saw them gathered outside and also saw Leon muching on a small green herb. When Sherry got down, they moved on towards the exit to the city, but it was locked. They saw a sidepath and took it.

Sherry: "What ARE those little herbs, anyway. They look like... y'know, Mary Jane."

Leon: "Y'know, I never really thought about that, I just guessed when I saw one, 'Hey, looks good, I'll eat it. Something might happen' and I've been chewing them since. Of course, they make your teeth look like you just drank green paint." He shrugged and continued to chew his little piece."

Chris: "Hey, Leon, make sure to MASTICATE that herb, well!" He tittered like a school girl while Leon looked completely clueless.

Chris: "Get it? You...don't get...it... Well, it's like masticate sounds like...yeah, that...word." Chris looked about as red as a cherry.

Sherry: "Masturbate?" Leon shivered.

Claire: "I almost forgot that he was so sensitive to words like MASTURBATE and SEX!" Leon stooped over covering his ears.

Leon: "LA LA LA, I CAN'T HEAR YOU, LA LA LA." He started walking faster than the rest of them. Claire jogged to catch up to him.

Claire: "Leon, take your hands off of your ears, I'm sorry."

Leon: "Ok, just don't do it again." He looked a little distressed but at the same time, like he was trying to hold back laughter.

Chris: "I can smell a farm up ahead. I can also smell...oh, GODDAMNIT!!" Leon started laughing hysterically. Claire turned a new shade of green, not known to the crayola-tempered world and smacked Leon hard enough to fly over the door to the farm.

Sherry: "Nice shot."

Claire: "Thanks. Let's try to find some villagers-let me rephrase that, LIVING villagers who can tell us what's happening around here."

(Distantly) Horacio: "Can somebody help me? I not dead!" A zombie slumped up the stairs. It paused when it saw Horacio, bleeding. It contemplated with its rotten brain for a moment or two, then shrugged and shuffled along, passing Horacio without a second glance.


	4. Chief

Chapter 4: Chief

Leon: "OW!" He massaged his head and winced. Unfortunately, he hit his head against the ground instead of a rock and end this pitiful adventure.

Villager w/ Pitchfork: "Levantese...ariba."(Get up... quickly) Leon looked up into the pitchfork of a villager. He got up, hands raised. The others walked through the door and were quickly tended to by more villagers with similar weapons.

Villager w/ glasses: "Como se llama, que ase aqui!?" (Who are you, what are you doing here!?) Leon raised his hands in a circle around his mouth

Leon: "SPEAK ENG-GLISH! NO HABLO LA SPANISHO!" A villager with a large axe turned the one with glasses.

Villager w/ large axe: "Es americanos." (They're Americans) The villagers escorted them behind a barricade with a trench full of spikes and zombies upon such spikes, still squirming. The barricade was made of fences and planks of wood, crudely nailed together. It would hold, but not for long. After a long walk, they brought the Party to a large house, much nicer looking than the shacks that the villagers lived in, but still rugged. As they got closer, they could hear bass notes coming from a stereo system inside. The lead villager with glasses walked to the door and opened it. When he did, the Party was pounded by hardcore gangsta rap. It was turned down promptly and they were escorted inside. Words could not describe the size of the man inside. He seemed to be about 8 feet tall, must have weighed around 400 pounds. He...was...BIG! This man, evidently the leader of the village, looked at each zombie-hunter and gave a warm smile.

Leader: "Mi nombre Bitores Mendez, the chief of this town. Do not worry, you are safe here. Come, have breakfast with me. It is 5 o'clock by our time." Mendez led them to a long table. It had a tablecloth, candles and plates carefully placed upon it.

Claire: "Oh thank God! Napkins!" She giddly ran to a seat, near the end of the table. The others took their seats and got comfortable.

Mendez: "Before we eat, I wish to learn more about you. So, what are your names and why are you here? We shall start with...you." He pointed to Chris.

Chris: "I'm Chris Redfield. I came here with my sister and niece to investigate an Umbrella facility. They're mean." He grimaced when he finished.

Sherry: "My name is Sherry Redfield-Berkin. I came with Chris and Mom to help with the facility thing."

Claire: "Claire Redfield. We came to crush the Umbrella facility and stop any threat that might arise."

Leon: "'Sup. I'm Leon Scott Kennedy. I'm a U.S. agent sent here to retrieve the President's daughter. She's supposed to be within 16 kilometers of my dropoff point."

Mendez: "I keep hearing about this 'Umbrella'. What is it?"

Claire: "Umbrella is a pharmaceutical company that created a virus that mutates the body and mind. It was called the T-Virus. Originally designed for military purposes, the T-Virus mutates the human genome. Usually, it rots the mind and flesh of whatever it takes over, creating a horrid zombie, that you've seen all over this place. But under controlled doses, the T-Virus can create horrible creatures of tremendous strength. I'm just glad that we haven't seen any of tho-" Chris clapped his hand across Claire's mouth.

Chris: "Don't say it! You're going jinx us!" He removed his hand from her mouth, cautiously.

Mendez: "An American company created a research facility nearby. 'To study the local diseases' they said. I believed none of it, but allowed it, nonetheless. I, now, regret that as I have lost nearly my entire village. We are very sure that we are the only outpost against the walking dead." A few men walked in with platters covered in their breakfast. It was a meager, but hearty meal of hardboiled eggs, coffee, and toast. After they had finished, they sat in the back room, listening to Chief Mendez's story of what happened.

Mendez: " It started as any day started. The farmers got up to check the chickens for eggs then start on their normal services. The town Doctor had to see his first patient, Juanita, for that day. Juanita is, or was, pregnant and in the 7th month by the Doctor's predictions. The children all left for the schoolhouse, just as the bell was ringing. At this point, it is my belief that it was the bell that drew the monsters to our village in the first place.The attacks started around noon, at the western border with the sea. They just got more and more frequent. I, myself, heard about it around 9 O' clock the next morning. The doctor was treating the wound for just another bite victim, when he began to get sick, too. It was stomach pain and fever. It lasted for hours, then he began to have numbing in his limbs, then paralyisis. Around 23 hours after the bite, he died. The doctor wrote down the time of death, and left to notify his next of kin, his wife. It is believed that around a half hour later, he rose from the table and was no longer human. All hell broke lose because when he rose, the original monsters entered. They decimated our meager defenders. There was a large scale attack, and they broke through to the village. We all holed up here and created the barricade. Someone got to the schoolhouse and rang the bell, which, somehow, draws these...these zombies towards it. We are sure that they are dead, now." His head drooped and he was silent for a small time. When he raised his head, there were tears at the edges of his eyes. "My wife and children were some of the most recent to go..." He left his chair and walked upstairs.

Chris: " So, what did the mummy say to the zombie?" Claire smiled and leaned over to Chris.

Claire: "If you finish that joke, you're getting pistol-whipped until **I **hurt!" Chris shrank into the corner, silent.

Leon: "Ok, I guess we should be going. We need to get out and-" He was cut off by a call of "_LOS MUERTOS!!_"

Leon: "We need to help! Gear up and get out there! Give any extra guns and ammo to the villagers! GO! GO! Why aren't you moving!? Get out there!"

Sherry: "You didn't say Simon SAYS!" Leon cocks his pistol.

Chris: "That's all the warning I need. Let's GO, TEAM!" They dashed outside with Leon taking a quick peek at his hair in a nearby mirror. As they got outside there was moaning.

Zombie: "Mraaaaaaah..."

Zombie2: "Meeraraaaaaah..."

Zombie3: "Brainssssss..."

Zombie4: "Boooooooogerrrrssss..." Zombie3 turned around and bitchslapped Zombie4 [author's note: yeah, Zombie4's kinda...off...


	5. Tyrant

Chapter 5: Tyrant

(Author's Note: Sorry that the last one took so long, I had a BIIIIIG Writer's Block...also I had Dead Rising, then I had Crackdown, then The Darkness, and very recently Bioshock...all good games...no inspiration, though...You should thank my brother, Last Harlequin, for making me start up again.)

As Leon took the lead in the mad dash to help, he couldn't help but think that they were running in circles. The scenery behind the group seemed to be on an unending cycle. He dropped a dud grenade to the ground, just to make sure.

Chris: "F-F-F(beep)K!" Chris jumped into Claire's arms, who was still running.

Leon: "Sorry, I shoulda called that one, huh?" Claire throws Chris at Leon, like a dodgeball. Not the foamy ones, the rubber ones full of air that the bullies throw at you on Wednesdays. Leon catches Chris in mid air. "HAH, you're OUT!" Claire shakes her head from side to side and continues running.Leon: "HAH! I KNEW IT!" He picks up the grenade, placing it on his belt. He knew that would come in handy again.

Chris: "You're really nice and muscular but I'm not that way, so if you wouldn't mind putting me down...OOF" Leon dropped him onto the ground. Chris stands up and runs after Claire. Leon shrugs and follows the other two. As he's running, Leon suddenly trips over a small, round object and hits face first onto the ground.

Eventually, they make it to the barricade with the spike pit. There are zombies literally crawling over eachother to get on top of the wall. Villagers are impaling, bashing, and chopping zombies' heads with pitchforks, hammers, and axes, respectively. The group stand next to the villagers, handing off weapons, ammo, and Klondike bars. The spiked pits were soon filled with the corpses of walking dead. Chris took out his shotgun and began to pellet the Zombies with buckshot. Claire took out her sniper rifle and began to blast rotting brains across the ground.

Leon: "Where's MY cool weapon!?" Claire threw him a long object.

Leon: "A Pointy Stick? How is this supposed to help!?"

Claire: "You'll see. It'll show up again in the sequel and save your life." Leon put it into his Attache Case.

Claire: "Hey, Leon, quick question. Where do you put that Attache Case?"

Leon: "You honestly DON'T want to know." Claire took his word for it and continued shooting the zombies. The seemingly endless numbers of zombies began to shrink and shrink until there were only a few dozen left. There was a great roar and a terrible beast broke through a house. It was roughly human shaped, but one entire arm was horribly misshapen. There were large, protruding claws coming out where a hand should have been. But more horrific than its arm was what appeared to be a gigantic heart on the outside of its chest, pulsing with blood.

Claire: "Oh shit..."

Chris: "What? What is that?"

Leon: "I'm not sure, but I think I've seen that before. I don't think I've fought it in previous titles by the star corporation Capcom, but I'm SURE that Claire did, isn't that right, Claire?" Claire bashed Leon in the temple with the butt of her rifle.

Claire: "It's a Tyrant, the greatest of all of Umbrella's creations. There are multiple variations, but this one doesn't appear to be new, so it'll be easy to kill.

Chris: "How DO you kill it?" The Tyrant is at the wall, now. It menaces them evilly.

Claire: "In a minute, in a MINUTE! Be a big monster and sit down for a bit." The Tyrant immediately sat down, crushing several corpses.

Claire: "Thank you. Ok, Chris, there are two ways to kill one of these bastards. One, is shoot at it randomly, then have a mysterious character throw you a rocket launcher, which you use to blow the creature to pieces.

Chris: "Dramatic." The Tyrant nodded.

Claire: "The other option is to find a magnum halfway through the game and save up the ammo by never using it. When we get to the portion where we fight a Tyrant, that's usually the best time to put the Magnum into your inventory and wait 'till the boss battle. Just take out the magnum and blast the Tyrant in the heart. I swear to God, that is the WORST defect I've ever seen in a weapon! They're strong but stupid and slow, so it's an easy fight."

Tyrant: "I resent that." Claire and Chris' heads swiveled and stuck on the monster. It shrugged and stood, putting on monocle as it did.

Tyrant: "I've got a 9 o'clock appointment with some chums of mine back at the facility, so if you chaps wouldn't mind...RAWR!" He swung at Claire. She dodged away and Chris dodged randomly into the shadows. Claire took out her magnum, quietly thanking herself for not wasting it on the giant snake. She opened fire on Tyrant's heart. Somehow, this did not cause immediate heart failure, from giant holes in the Vena Cava and Aorta. As she dashed around the inside of the barricade, stopping to briefly shoot the Tyrant once or twice, she noticed a figure lurking above, in silhouette to the sun.

Voice that that sounds vaguely familiar: "Here, take this!" The figure threw a large object to the ground. It must be very heavy because when it hit, it made a large WHOMP sound, followed by a moaning noise. Claire ran and picked up this strange weapon, fumbled with it, and aimed at the Tyrant, now conveniently standing about 40 feet away and not moving. Claire bent on a large appendage of the weapon, hoping it would do something. A cracking noise followed by a large shriek erupted from the weapon and and a small rocket shot at Tyrant. The rocket hit Tyrant directly in his center of mass, detonating on impact. You can guess what happend to Tyrant. The bulk of its flesh fell to the ground and began to sizzle. Claire looked at her weapon, wondering what kind of thing coul-

Claire: "LEON!?" She dropped him to the ground, where he squirmed violently

Leon: "WHY IN THE F(beep)K DID YOU DO THAT!!? GYAH! GODDAMNIT! MONKEYF(beep)KING, C(beep)KS(beep)KING HORSESHIT! OUCH! MY ASS, OH, MY ASS! WHY DID IT HAVE TO BE MY ASS!?"

Claire: "What in the hell just happend?"

Chris: "Well I see that you killed the Tyrant that I didn't see die and had nothing to do with's death." He marched up quite triumphately and whispered in Claire's ear.

Chris: "The mystery character was going to be Barry Burton and he was the only person with the rocket launcher, but he turned out to be a no show, so I had to improvise" Claire looked up and spit down Chris' throat.

Claire: "Asshole."


	6. Tantrum

Chapter 6: Tantrum

(Author's Note: Sorry for the long hiatus. I've had some problems with friends. My internet knocked out because my computer 'forgot' what a wireless connection is, so I couldn't post anything for month, or however long it's been since the internet knocked out (around 10/17/07) . Also, I didn't have any really good inspiration to write this. I just felt like utter crap. Again, sorry for the wait.)

Chris gagged on Claire's loogie until he finally managed to cough some of it up, then promptly swallow it.

Chris: "GYUCK! Why are you so mean to me!? All I did was help you kill a horrible, monocle-wearing monster!" Claire opened her mouth, as to say something incredibly insulting and uncensored by the author, but she started looking around.

Leon: "What are you looking for, Claire?" She scratched her head.

Claire: "Well, I just noticed that Sherry's been missing for about two chapters, now. Do either of- did I just say CHAPTERS!?" Claire clapped her hand over her mouth and look warily at what would be the movie camera filming her, if this were a movie...sadly, the author of the story is lazy as hell and has no desire whatsoever to make an animated cartoon of this, as he does not wish to learn Flash. (Author's Note: I AM that lazy!)

Chris: "Oh, you don't know where Sherry went? Right before we left the house, I was called and told that the Evac Chopper was coming to pick us up and napalm the whole area. I told them that we were having an absolutely splendid time and we'd wish to fight more zombies, if possible. They agreed, but they reminded me that they HAD flown a VERY long distance, so I sent Sherry out to them. But that's neither here, NOR there!" Leon looked incredulous. Claire stared at Chris, gaping.

Leon: "You w-"_SPLAT_ went the piece of Tyrant that hadn't fallen, yet. Leon was covered in a gushy greenish-grey paste that used to be the uncooked insides of the Tyrant, only a few moments dead.

Leon: "It's...still...W-WARM!!" He entered the fetal position and began to rock violently.

Claire: "You can use my handkerchief if you really need it (giggle)." She handed her handkerchief to him and he swiped it from her hand. She burst laughing.

Claire: "So, how's it feel to be the world's biggest booger?" As Leon stood, he began to wipe off the Tyrant gunk.

Leon: "Shut UP, Clarice!" Claire immediately stopped laughing. Leon's face lost all of its color, which dripped to the ground, coloring an otherwise dull rock. Chris walked over and patted Leon on the shoulder.

Chris: "Oooooooo...you shouldn't have used her real name. I'm sorry, my friend, it was nice knowing you." Chris ran and hid behind a particularly large tree, covering his ears. Leon turned to face Claire, shaking. Leon jumped as high as a house can't. There were, quite literally, tendrils of darkness coming from Claire. She appeared to be-no, she WAS on fire. Leon stared into her eyes and froze completely. Claire's eyes had rolled back into her skull and a whole new set of eyes showed up on the back of them. Suddenly, she shot her hands up and mouthed a word, repeatedly. A gigantic mushroom cloud (for lack of better wording) mushroomed up. Leon was shot away and flew across the farm and smacked into the tree that Chris was hiding behind, splintering the tree. As the mushroom cloud grew, it formed a giant letter F.The intensity of the heat was extraordinary; crisping trees and even ripping a whole in the ozone layer, which, to this day, is causing global warming. In the flash of an instant, it all disappeared and Claire was standing as she was.

Claire: "Hahhhh...I feel better." She began to hum and wandered off. Leon fell from the crevice that he'd carved into the tree upon impact. Leon's ears were bleeding and his hair was singed. Chris walked out from behind the tree, pocketing an iPod.

Chris: "Seems Claire popped your tantrum cherry. B-T-W, Leon, Linkin Park is a good buffer for her infamous F Bombs. Craaaaawwwwling iiiiin my skiiiiiiiiiin, these wooooooouuuuunds they willllll not heeeeeallllll!"

Claire: "Come on, ya pussy! You too, emo freak!"

Chris: "That hurts my feelings!!" Chris took a stick and rubbed it vigorously against his wrist.

Chris: "Come on! Burn me! BURN ME, DAMMIT!" He threw the stick against the ground where it promptly burst into flames. Chris chose to ignore this. Leon realized that the heat from Claire's F Bomb had burned off the Tyrant gunk that had caked his skin.

Leon: "Ok, now that I'm at least...slightly...clean, I can safely say that it's time to move on. I'm getting bored of all of this talking, we need some action!" The others nodded in agreement.

Claire: "But first, we should see if the Chief needs any help before we leave...Y'know, I just noticed that this story is labeled as an 'Action/Adventure, Comedy', when it's mostly just crude jokes that the author thought of while snorting pixi stix."

Chris: "Yeah, I noticed that as well, but I came to the conclusion that he merely wanted to make a comedy and randomly put small amounts of violence between jokes. His other works seem to be pretty serious, though. I wonder whether he expends all of his jokes into this story." Leon looked at them, bewildered.

Leon: "Well...I think we should move onto some mindless violence."

Chris: "Good point. It's not easy to pad these chapters out to 1200 plus words." Leon gave Chris a wild look.

Leon: "Ooooookay then...soooo...what weapons do we have to enhance our zombie brain-blowing-out fun time?"

Claire: "Well, I have this rifle, here, and Chris has the Shotgun." Chris smiled devilishly when Ol' Betsy was mentioned.

Leon: "Well, what do I have?"

Claire: "I don't know. What's in your attache case?" Leon looked up and yelped.

Leon: "HELL, NO! I mean, uh, there's, uh, nothing in there that might make me more powerful or anything like that with the stuff and the explodey." Claire just scowled at him.

Leon: "Fine, fine. Just...turn around. You, too, Chris." Chris and Claire, confused, obliged. There was a slight jingling sound, then a zipper.

Leon: "HYUNGGGGG!_Pant, pant._ HRAAAAAAAAAH! _Gasp..._Here we go, here we go! HEEEEEYAAARARAAAAARGRAYARAYGGYARAGG!! _Thunk!_" Then, the sound of a zipper and the jingling, again.

Leon: "Ok, you can turn back around, guys." They did so and there it was: The Attache Case of Hugeness of Space. Leon opened it up.

Chris: "Why does it smell like doodie?" A tear entered Leon's eye.

Claire: "Ok, let's see...a few dirty magazines, some foreign coins, a couple dolls (Leon: "Hey! Those are collectables!"), a Christina Aguilera CD, hackey sack, Monster Energy Drink (Now, with FLAVOR!), picture of Steve Burnside with multiple gunshots through it (Leon looked to the side and whistled innocently), that bag of 'Inspiration' I gave you, a Klondike bar, Lubricant cream (Chris: "Hey, that's MINE!" He snatched it up and put it into his side pouch.), electric razor, Lectric Shave (actually REPELS women. FYI), another Klondike bar, a Thigh-Master, test tubes, mortar and pestle (Claire: "You'd BETTER be using this for herbs!" Leon: "Herbs is right..."), a picture of me naked, a-WHAT IN THE F(bee-to-the-eep)K!?" Leon and Chris bolted for the tree, each with half the headphone in their ear. Claire began to charge up and then unleashed her F Bomb yet again. Etc, etc, etc, she calmed down. Chris and Leon walked out from behind the tree after the blast.

Leon: "Wow, Chris, you're right. Linkin Park IS a buffer against annoying women."

Chris: "I TOLD you!" Claire turned to Leon.

Claire: "Ok, you don't seem to have any decent weapons. Where are we going to get some at this hour?" She gazed up at the sky, estimating it to be about 7:00 AM.

Gravelly Voice: "'Ello, Strangah, I got sum'un that might interest ya."


	7. MerchantCrows

Chapter 7: Merchant

On the last episode of PLAGAS NO MORE:

Leon: "Claire! We have to get out of the exploding building that's exploding around us before we explode!"

Claire: "Leon, I'm pregnant!"

Leon: "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"

Now, for the award winning series not nearly half over...Plagas...No...MORE!

The trio whipped around to see a trench-coated figure appear behind Leon. The man wore a hooded dark grey-green trenchcoat covering his entire body. He wore the hood up, had a green bandana around his mouth, and brown fingerless gloves. They also noticed that he was wearing a large hiking backpack

Trenchcoat Man: "I 'ear 'at you need some weaponry." He laughed in a way that sounded as though he had swallowed a coffee filter or two recently. He reached into a pocket within his trenchcoat and pulled out an AK-47.

Leon: "Great googly moogly!" (Author's note: the beforesaid statement 'Great googly moogly!' is copyrighted from Leo says it in the Medicinal Herbs comic. I LOVE VGCATS!!! Long live Canadian humor!)

Trenchcoat Man: "I 'ave e'erythin' from bow-ie knives to rohket lauhnchahs. I'll settle it all fohr a decent price. I also 'ave a smahl buisness of selling 'otdogs, 'ooch, and lightbulbs on the side."

Claire: "Who are you!?" He stood up straight and put the rifle away.

Trenchcoat Man: "I'm a travelin' salesman of the extreme kahnd. The name's not important but you can call me Tootsie if you want." He winked at Leon.

Leon: "No, I think Scary Old Man would be decent." The merchant took out a humidifier, took out a cigar, and lit it with a zippo lighter. He smoked through his bandana, utilizing it as a filter.

Merchant: "Now, ahr we gon' get down with the dehrty buisness, eh?" He blew a smoke ring into the air. Shortly after it left his mouth, it formed into a large 'S' above his head. He, then, shot an arrow straight up through it with his nose, forming a '$' sign.

Leon: "What do you actually have for sale that is NOT explosive or dangerous?"

Merchant: "Well, ahs before-stated, I 'ave several kahnds of 'otdogs and I 'ave liquor up the kazoo." Leon cocked his head to the side.

Leon: "What's a kazoo?" The Merchant stood silent for a few moments, puffing from his cigar. Claire merely put her index finger and thumb to her temples and squeezed.

Chris: "I've spent many a night without sleep over that question." Claire released her temples and began chatting with the merchant while Chris attempted to think, again.

Claire: "It's so cute when the two neurons in his head bump together." Leon quickly became bored and wandered off. Eventually, he got a little tired and layed down on the ground. Soon, he fell asleep, but was rudely awakened by squawking.

Squawky French Voice: "Hey, STUPID American!" Leon's eyes opened as fast as an unopenable door wouldn't. There, on a treebranch about 15 feet away, were three crows. One had a beret, one had a scarf, and the final had a turtleneck sweater.

Italian Scarfed Crow: "Don't be a jerk-a to our new-a friend, Jaques! Hi, there-a American, would you care-a for some wine?"

German Sweatered Crow: "Let ze veak bastard suffer. He probably deserves it; vandering away from his group like zat." It scoffed and stuck its beak up at him.

Jaques the French Crow: "Shut it, Hans, I'll take this one! I hope you ROT American SCUM! I FART in your general direction! (A.N.: I'm going to quote Monty Python, here, so bear with me) Your mother is a dolphin and your father is a USED JOCKSTRAP!"

Leon: "Hey, my father wasn't USED!"

Jaques the French Crow: "It matters not, as you are still a moronic dump of an excuse for an American! Superior country my _DERRIERE_!"

Hans the German Crow: "Get out of zees voods before I tvist your NIPPLES OFF! You fat, vorthless LUMP!"

Leon: "Well, I'm trying to lose weight..."

Italian Crow: "Ignore these two, my friend-a. My name is-a Giovanni, and I-" Hans cut him off.

Hans the German Crow: "Suck it, Gio! _Mein frau_ hass more balls than you do, American bastard!" Giovanni sighed, opened a bottle of wine, paused...and just drank straight from it.

Jaques the French Crow: "Your girlfriend has the worst excuse for hands I have EVER seen! Go suck on a pretzel!" At this, Leon was angry.

Leon: "You can say that Claire is mean. You can say she has small breasts, but you NEVER, EVER SAY THAT SHE HAS HORRIBLE HANDS, YOU SON OF A BITCH!" He took out his handgun and opened fire on the crows. They all flew away, while his bullets whiz past

Hans: "You have not seen ze last of us!" Suddenly, Leon was shaken awake by Claire.

Claire: "Get up, ya big oaf. You still need a weapon." Leon got up, and began to follow Claire. He saw three crows on a branch staring at him. He decided to ignore them and just go back to the group.

Squawky French Voice: "STUPID American..." Leon whirled around and saw the crows minding their own buisness. When they got back, Chris was jumping up and down with joy.

Chris: "LEON, LEON! I figured out what a kazoo is!"

Leon: "Really!?"

Chris: "Yeah! It's...uhh...NOOOOO!!! I forgot!!!" Leon sighed and shook his head.

Merchant: "Ya' gonna buy something ohr what?"

Leon: "Well...I'm not sure that we have any money..."

Chris: "Actually, Leon, those weird coins you picked up are the local currency."

Leon: "WHAT weird coins?" Chris sighed and took out the script, flipped through a little bit, and pointed at a spot on the page.

Chris: "Right here, see? Last chapter, when Claire was emptying your attache case. And I QUOTE: '...Claire: "Ok, let's see...a few dirty magazines, some foreign coins, a couple dolls (Leon: "Hey! Those ...'

Leon: "Wow, you're right. I'll check inside of it." He rummaged in his attache case and picked out the small chest of coins.

Merchant: "That looks abouht 42,000 pesetas, strangah. There's plenteh that ya' can buy with that. Fohr example, I have this Thompson submachinegun. This one was specially made in 1987 by a gun manufacturah for me. This is my only one, AND it's what I call one of moy infinite cosmoguns! These fahrarms have a constantly replenishing supploy of ammunition. Never runs out, no need to reload, strangah. But, it'll cost ya' deahly." He through the stub of his cigar onto the ground and crushed it underfoot.

Chris: "NOOOOOO!! NOT MY KLONDIKE BAR!!" The merchant stared at Chris for a few moments, shook his head, and took out the gun. It was absolutely lovely.

Merchant: "This puppay is one MILLION pesetas, strangah. With the fahrarm ya' get a complimentahray Pinstripe Suit, as well. But, if you give me a couple of those magazines that ya' mentioned a bit back, I could lower it to...say...40,000 pesetas." Leon clenched his dirty magazines to his chest.

Leon: "NO! I got these magazines-er...I mean I'm holding onto them for a friend!" Claire jerked them out of Leon's grip and handed them to the Merchant, along with most of the coins and took the Thompson from the Merchant.

Claire: "Leon, just take the goddamned gun so we can get along with the violence." Leon sheepishly took the unlimited ammo Thompson and cocked it.

Leon: "I dub thee the Chicago Typewriter." Claire looked at the side of the gun.

Claire: "Looks like someone beat you to its naming...wait...read the side of the barrel..." Leon obliged. It said Chicago Typewriter with a big smiley face next to it.

Leon: "I swear that I didn't see that before. I made this name all on my own!"

Chris: "COME ON!!!! I WANT TO BLOW UP ZOMBIE HEAD!!" The other two agreed and they all walked out of the immediate area. They all ran towards what appeared to be a church on top of a hill. In front there were at least a few dozen zombies, ripe for the slaughter.

MEANWHILE...

The Merchant took out another cigar and lit it. He chuckled after taking a puff.

Merchant: "Suckah." The Merchant walked into the clearing about 20 yards away and uncovered a helicopter. He got inside and took off. After about 250 yards, he landed, again, hid the helicopter, and walked into the road.

Merchant: "Now to play the waitin' game..."


	8. Filler

Chapter 8: Filler

Author: "Shut the F up, CHRIS!!! FINE, FINE. I don't care! GYAH! I need a Coke." Chris creeped over to the desk and began to type.

Chris: "Hi, everybody! I'm Chris Redfield and the author is letting ME tell you the story for this part! He's really nice for this. He says he has writer's block and that I was giving him a headache, so I decided to spike his Coca-Cola with some more Vodka, to make him feel better. He's taking a nap, now, so I decided to use his computer. It's nice and shiny. There are pictures of Claire on here that are pretty similar to the ones that Leon used to have in his attache case. I'm sure Claire would LOVE to know that someone's taking pictures of her when she's changing! I'm sure you're all wondering what's happening in the real world, right now. Well, let's take a video camera around the set so I can show you exactly how everything's happening around here." Chris picked up a camera and wirelessly connected it to the computer. He began to walk around the set with it.

Chris: "Here we have the dressing rooms. Let's see if Leon's in his!" Chris opened Leon's door and was confronted with an interesting scene. There was a skinny Asian woman in red spanking Leon with a large paddle.

Leon: "Do you MIND!?" Chris quickly closed the door.

Ada: "Who in the hell was that?"

Leon: "It doesn't matter. Now HIT ME HARDER, BITCH!" Chris promptly moved onto his room.

Chris: "Now this is my room. I have crayons and Sprite in here. It's pretty much all I do. I have some drawings over here in the corner. I call this one Old Greg. Then there's this one. I call it Old Greg. Then there's this one. Do you know what it's called?"

Howard: "Old Greg?"

Chris: "Yes, sir. Thank you, sir." (Author's Note: Old Greg reference. DON'T even FRICKIN' ask! Look it up on Youtube or something like that.) Chris left his room and showed the camera around to Claire's room. As Chris began to open the door, a knife plunged into the wall right next to his neck.

Claire: "You may be my brother, but I will NOT hesitate to actually aim next time." Chris took the 'subtle' hint and left.

Chris: "Oh shit, here comes the author!"

Author: "Chris? What in the F are you doing with my camera!? I can WRITE YOU OUT OF THE STORY! I don't CARE how much the fans think you're funny! You want to wind up like Rover!?"

Chris: "Rover? You said he ran away!"

Author: "I say a lot of things..." Chris ran into his room. The Author returned the camera to the computer and sat down to type.

Author: "Jesus Christ on Roller Blades!! What did he do to the script? He replaced EVERY OTHER NOUN with the word Klondike Bar! It'll take me forever to re-do this! GOD!" The Author was bathed in brilliant, bright lights and an immaculate chorus of angels rang out from every known direction.

God: "What'ya want!? I'm watchin' the game!"

Author: "Could you smite Chris, already?"

God: "No, he's an idiot and that automatically makes him the comic relief. Don't think I forgot that little deal with _Senor Diablo_ for amazing chicken-wing eating skills!"

Author: "Well, I LOST the fiddle contest but WON the rematch on Dance Dance Revolution, so we made a bit of a deal! What was I supposed to do? Just let him take my soul?"

God: "Yes." The Author quiets down and has a revelation.

Author: "I gotta stop taking so much pot..." The Author then reverts to actually being funny.

(Author's Note: "I'm sorry that I haven't been funny as of late. I'm leaving all of my craziness at school or something. I don't know. Maybe it's the lack of spicy food... Or maybe it's the new girlfriend. She's HAWT! And...distracting...::devilish smile::. Anywho, I expect to get a REAL chapter in sometime in the future. email me at if you want to send me any ideas. I'm SERIOUSLY almost out of ideas. There are several ideas from reviews and personal contemplation that I have planned for later chapters, but I can't do them right now. The setup's not right.)


End file.
